I haven’t written much since I had my two hip surgeries and trying to get my life back to normal. I’m almost back to no restrictions (2 more weeks!) Life was different during that time. Because I was bed bound, I spent many days just reeling from past memories and doing whatever I could to alleviate that. I spent many days just trying to get through the physical pain that was exacerbated by the mental and emotional pain of the past. With COVID restrictions and spending most of my time at home, I quickly went back to old patterns of isolation. It wasn’t purposeful, but I was already in a place to make it happen without a lot of thought.

I can see the damage that came of that. I can see how quickly I fell. I can see how I let myself give into the past ways. I could see myself dwindling back to places of comfort rather than growth. It is painful to see yourself go backwards. But sometimes it is necessary to survive through something that is unknown with the skills you already have. I did just that and while I feel shame and guilt for not pushing through and using this time for reflection and growth. But I shouldn’t feel that way, I should instead celebrate the fact that I did the best I could with everything I had thrown at me.

I am starting to get back to where I was before the surgeries and before the world shut down, but it is still going to take some time to get back to where I was. No one changes overnight. So, as I strengthen my body from the surgeries, I will also strength my heart and mind to deal with the past and the many memories that my others are sharing with me almost daily. I knew this journey wouldn’t be easy and so I will continue to survive and keep pressing on.